Zombie Apocalypse

There are many theories on how the zombie apocalypse will come about, but I have figured out exactly what will cause it.  That’s right tech support.  You may be asking yourself now, “Brian how can that be?  I know that when tech support guides us through mindless steps like turning on and off our device several times in a row makes me feel like a zombie.  But I don’t actually think tech support is changing me into a zombie”.  This; however, is only half the story.  There is something else much, much more insidious that you are exposed to while calling tech support, the music.  The music combined with these mindless actions tech support guides us through are slowly changing our minds and converting us into crazed flesh eating zombies.

 

I figured this out yesterday while calling tech support over the activation of a TracFone.  However, I would first like to share a humorous segue (I can only assume the following was a test to determine if the initiation into zombie had been completed).  While going through the different menu options for my issue I selected: “Phone cannot make and receive calls”.  After I selected this option I was informed by a mechanical female voice over the sound of the music that: for tech support reasons, in order to help me with my problem I should hang up if the phone I was having issues with was the phone I was calling from, and that after hanging up I should contact tech support through a different phone.

Really???  You mean to tell me that I need to call TracFone from a different phone when I can’t make or receive calls from my TracFone?  My question is that if I selected the option that I was unable to use the phone to make calls, how would I be able to call tech support in the first place?  I believe that this was actually some kind of subconscious trigger used to zombify people who are exposed to enough tech support (This would be akin to the scene in Serenity when River sees the TV screen and goes crazy).

   

Anyway, back to my original point.  As I was sitting on the phone listening to the hold music which was laden with static and boring its way into my brain, as it repeated the same small section of some indistinguishable melody over and over.  I realized that an urge to kill began to fill me.  Indeed, I could feel the humanity slipping away from me.  This was the moment of my epiphany.

With the advent of our super advanced technology we have an increased need for tech support.  The more often and longer you call tech support the more zombie-like you become.  You may also think that “Well gee Brian, I rarely ever call tech support, usually so and so does that for me.  So why should I be concerned?”  Here in lies the true danger of tech support, there is such thing as second-hand exposure to tech support.  If you are within a five hundred foot radius as someone who is on the phone with tech support, your subconscious is able to pick up on the mindless tasks and music that the person currently on the phone is exposed to.  So sadly, you are changing your kids, relatives, spouses, friends, family and neighbors into zombies every time you contact tech support.

You may be wondering who would want the population of the US to become a mass of mindless zombies and what their motivation for doing this is.  To answer that question we must take a look at those who provide us with the country which provides us with tech support, India.  For the last 20 years it’s been a well known and accepted fact that the Obama administration is directly responsible for the decline of education in this country.  While I too used to believe this, I know now that a conspiracy of this scale is beyond the capabilities of our government.  This is actually a plot directed by the government of India so that they can become the world leader in education.  They knew that the US was their greatest competitor in the intelligence market, and when they were offered the chance to provide us with low-cost tech support, they jumped on the opportunity as a means to execute their evil brain rotting plan and they won’t stop until every last one of us are chewing on the brains of our neighbors.

(Picture, Public Service Announcement by Amber Hathaway) Click Picture to view full size