Computer Ink

With the current economic state of our country I propose that we switch our currency which is based on the stock market, to one based on computer printer ink.  This would make sense to you if you have ever purchased computer ink.  As you are well aware, computer ink actually costs more than gold per ounce.  This makes it ideal for trading as it can also be divided into infinitely small increments (the smallest of which usually end up as ink stains on your fingers).  If we made this switch then all you would have to do is carry around an ink cartridge and an eye dropper.  No more credit card fees, no more concerns about overdrafting.  A typical conversation at check out would go something like this:  A clerk would greet you with a cheery hello and tally up your goods: "A ten pack of white t-shirts, six tube socks, 15 boxes of cereal and one gold pocket watch, that will be 5 drops of black ink please."  You would pull out your eye dropper and your ink cartridge and extract 5 drops of ink dripping them into the cashiers open hand.

Because computer ink is so expensive, people often try and use "counterfeit ink" for their printing jobs as a means of saving money.  As it turns out I am one of those people.  This often provokes awkward questions from people such as: "Why are your hands yellow?"  or "Are you a part of the blue man group now?".  These are questions that I have to face every other day or so, because the properties of ink are such that after you fill an ink cartridge half of it turns into dark matter.  Meaning that half of volume you put into the cartridge disappears (ends up all over your hands and furniture).  This seems to happen no matter how careful you are. 

After putting up with this hassle for almost half a year I decided to switch over to a continuous ink cartridge or CIS.  This is supposed to make your life easier by making it so that you never have to refill your ink cartridges, but instead refill ink reservoirs which you keep externally to your printer.  After ordering it on Amazon, I received it in the mail yesterday.  I noticed that it came with 5 reservoirs and 5 cartridges and my printer only takes 4.  However, after reading the instructions I was informed that I should remove one of the cartridge and reservoirs from the unit.  Today was the day I decided to undertake this challenge.  If you've read anything I've written thus far, you've probably already realized that this was probably not the best idea.
 

So I started out being extremely careful, and I managed to remove the extra cartridge and the extra reservoir without incident (and you thought something bad was going to happen).  But I didn't stop there, no, I decided to see how the new cartridges were going to fit into the printer and decided to attempt and take off the orange cap that was sealing the cartridge.  In my defense, please keep in mind that this orange cap has to be removed in order to install the cartridge, so it's not like I was trying to smash the cartridge with a hammer or anything (all though I can't say that this would have been less effective).
 

There I was, holding the cartridge upside down wresting with the cap, like a kid trying to break into one of those indestructible packages at Christmas time, and suddenly I felt a drip.  Looking down I witnessed a horror I am sure many of you are all too familiar with, ink was everywhere.  An unfathomable amount of ink had somehow escaped from the cartridge in the few moments that I had been fiddling with it.  There were now several drops on my pants, floor and table.  I quickly jumped into action grabbing a paper towel and wiping off the table and floor so that there wouldn’t be any stains.  Realizing that the problem on my pants would not be as easily remedied I removed the phone and keys from my pocket, filled up a tub with hot water and some OxiClean and threw my pants into the liquid.  I started washing my pants, and realized that there was quite a bit more ink then I originally thought and soon the water turned black.   I discovered that in my rush to get my pants clean, I had forgotten to remove my wallet and as it turns out my wallet was very bad at being washed and very good at releasing endless quantities of ink.  Quickly I removed the wallet from my jeans pocket and put it into the sink.

Suffice it to say, I spent the next half our laundering my money (I’ve always wanted to say that), cleaning off my credit cards and staining my hands to a nice shade of black.  Right now as I type, I have money, wallet, pants all hanging out to dry; black hands and fingertips, and several fewer hours of my life.  With all this in mind, all I can say is that I am glad my car doesn’t run on ink.

Laundered Money