How to “Winning” at an IRS audit

So you just filled out your taxes and sent them off to the IRS? After clawing away at one of those blue street corner mailboxes for an hour trying to retrieve your tax form to check it over one last time, you finally gave up and went home (You knew you should have brought your axe along).  Now you’re worried that you’re going to be audited.  Don’t worry, just follow my advice and you’re sure to have a successful, easy and virtually painless IRS audit.

The first thing you will need is an aluminum foil hat.  You’re probably asking yourself now: “But Brian, I thought aluminum foil hats would only protect your thoughts against aliens, the Russian government and Dr. Xavier”.  Allow me to explain.  Shortly after the fall of the Soviet Union, super IRS ninja spies were deployed into Moscow and stole the Russians mind reading technology.  The IRS then hid these devices and have been using them over the years to slowly take control of the US government.

Since the IRS has not done anything to improve the technology since they acquired it, wearing an aluminum foil hat will prevent them from reading your thoughts (not to mention it will make you look stylish at the same time).

When the IRS auditor asks you about your aluminum foil hat just act naturally and pretend that they are crazy and that you are not actually wearing an aluminum foil hat.  If they continue to press the issue, just quote the following line: “Oh! That aluminum foil hat!, I thought you meant a different one.  I use this to prevent the aliens (make sure to stress aliens while bending over and talking directly into the tape recorder) from reading my mind.”  This should alleviate any further questions on the subject from the auditor.

At this point in time the auditor should bring out a Hubbard Electropsychometer and begin to assess your engrams.  After assessing your engrams the IRS will then inform you that you need to pay them $500,000 to continue therapy.  Wait, no, I was thinking of a different kind of auditing.

From here you’re practically home free.  Now this might sound a little odd but you need to trust me.  What you need to do from here is select 3 of your favorite Charlie Sheen quotes.  I recommend:

                “I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”

“I am battle tested bayonets”

After each question the auditor asks you, you need to randomly shout one of your selected quotes.  This will prove to the IRS auditor that you are in charge and that you will not be intimidated by them or their mind reading devices.  Realizing that they have lost they will release you and no longer select you for audits.

Good luck and happy audits!