Bros Before Hoes!

In this political climate I shy away from saying anything, well, political.  The reason for this is not because I don't have anything political to say, but that my mother always told me that if I don't have something nice to say, then don't say it all.  However, this morning as I was eating lunch it occurred to me that, not only was my meal quite delicious, but also that the political system seemed to have a frat boy mentality.  I know this might come as a surprise to you seeing as how it's not every day when you see a corrupt lawmaker trying to pass some new kind of awful legislation.  This is mostly because they are busy hiding under rocks or rooting around the forest like a hog searching for their spines, but when you do see them it is often about some kind of special interest that they have.

I'm sure you can hear the politician nearest you gasp with horror and rebuke my assertion with a statement like:

"Why no, of course taking all that money from Super Gas Oil and Haircuts had no impact on my decision at all when it came to funding a grant which opened twenty new barbershop gas stations in my small home town of 700 people.  It just so happens that my village is full of Sasquaches who desperately need their hair cut every day."

Like frat boys at a party, these politicians put their own special interests before country, before liberty, and before justice.  Sometimes the politicians are well meaning; they have some kind of religious crusade that they are fighting for, and they feel that everyone should be subject to their particular belief system.  They might sincerely believe that pigeons are holy beings sent here to watch over our cities, and that we should allocate twelve trillion dollars to feeding and supporting these holy creatures.  While this is perhaps noble, it is still unconstitutional nonetheless.

Other times, they just happen to weasel their way into public office, lying and making promises they have no intention on keeping.  They have no personal convictions and act only as a self serving agent who sells their votes to the highest bidder.  They might tell their constituents that they really don't intended on voting for that amendment that makes it illegal to wear your wallet as a hat in public, but when push comes to shove, big-hat tells them no, so they vote against wallet-hats.

Computer Ink

With the current economic state of our country I propose that we switch our currency which is based on the stock market, to one based on computer printer ink.  This would make sense to you if you have ever purchased computer ink.  As you are well aware, computer ink actually costs more than gold per ounce.  This makes it ideal for trading as it can also be divided into infinitely small increments (the smallest of which usually end up as ink stains on your fingers).  If we made this switch then all you would have to do is carry around an ink cartridge and an eye dropper.  No more credit card fees, no more concerns about overdrafting.  A typical conversation at check out would go something like this:  A clerk would greet you with a cheery hello and tally up your goods: "A ten pack of white t-shirts, six tube socks, 15 boxes of cereal and one gold pocket watch, that will be 5 drops of black ink please."  You would pull out your eye dropper and your ink cartridge and extract 5 drops of ink dripping them into the cashiers open hand.

Because computer ink is so expensive, people often try and use "counterfeit ink" for their printing jobs as a means of saving money.  As it turns out I am one of those people.  This often provokes awkward questions from people such as: "Why are your hands yellow?"  or "Are you a part of the blue man group now?".  These are questions that I have to face every other day or so, because the properties of ink are such that after you fill an ink cartridge half of it turns into dark matter.  Meaning that half of volume you put into the cartridge disappears (ends up all over your hands and furniture).  This seems to happen no matter how careful you are. 

After putting up with this hassle for almost half a year I decided to switch over to a continuous ink cartridge or CIS.  This is supposed to make your life easier by making it so that you never have to refill your ink cartridges, but instead refill ink reservoirs which you keep externally to your printer.  After ordering it on Amazon, I received it in the mail yesterday.  I noticed that it came with 5 reservoirs and 5 cartridges and my printer only takes 4.  However, after reading the instructions I was informed that I should remove one of the cartridge and reservoirs from the unit.  Today was the day I decided to undertake this challenge.  If you've read anything I've written thus far, you've probably already realized that this was probably not the best idea.
 

So I started out being extremely careful, and I managed to remove the extra cartridge and the extra reservoir without incident (and you thought something bad was going to happen).  But I didn't stop there, no, I decided to see how the new cartridges were going to fit into the printer and decided to attempt and take off the orange cap that was sealing the cartridge.  In my defense, please keep in mind that this orange cap has to be removed in order to install the cartridge, so it's not like I was trying to smash the cartridge with a hammer or anything (all though I can't say that this would have been less effective).
 

There I was, holding the cartridge upside down wresting with the cap, like a kid trying to break into one of those indestructible packages at Christmas time, and suddenly I felt a drip.  Looking down I witnessed a horror I am sure many of you are all too familiar with, ink was everywhere.  An unfathomable amount of ink had somehow escaped from the cartridge in the few moments that I had been fiddling with it.  There were now several drops on my pants, floor and table.  I quickly jumped into action grabbing a paper towel and wiping off the table and floor so that there wouldn’t be any stains.  Realizing that the problem on my pants would not be as easily remedied I removed the phone and keys from my pocket, filled up a tub with hot water and some OxiClean and threw my pants into the liquid.  I started washing my pants, and realized that there was quite a bit more ink then I originally thought and soon the water turned black.   I discovered that in my rush to get my pants clean, I had forgotten to remove my wallet and as it turns out my wallet was very bad at being washed and very good at releasing endless quantities of ink.  Quickly I removed the wallet from my jeans pocket and put it into the sink.

Suffice it to say, I spent the next half our laundering my money (I’ve always wanted to say that), cleaning off my credit cards and staining my hands to a nice shade of black.  Right now as I type, I have money, wallet, pants all hanging out to dry; black hands and fingertips, and several fewer hours of my life.  With all this in mind, all I can say is that I am glad my car doesn’t run on ink.

Laundered Money

How to “Winning” at an IRS audit

So you just filled out your taxes and sent them off to the IRS? After clawing away at one of those blue street corner mailboxes for an hour trying to retrieve your tax form to check it over one last time, you finally gave up and went home (You knew you should have brought your axe along).  Now you’re worried that you’re going to be audited.  Don’t worry, just follow my advice and you’re sure to have a successful, easy and virtually painless IRS audit.

The first thing you will need is an aluminum foil hat.  You’re probably asking yourself now: “But Brian, I thought aluminum foil hats would only protect your thoughts against aliens, the Russian government and Dr. Xavier”.  Allow me to explain.  Shortly after the fall of the Soviet Union, super IRS ninja spies were deployed into Moscow and stole the Russians mind reading technology.  The IRS then hid these devices and have been using them over the years to slowly take control of the US government.

Since the IRS has not done anything to improve the technology since they acquired it, wearing an aluminum foil hat will prevent them from reading your thoughts (not to mention it will make you look stylish at the same time).

When the IRS auditor asks you about your aluminum foil hat just act naturally and pretend that they are crazy and that you are not actually wearing an aluminum foil hat.  If they continue to press the issue, just quote the following line: “Oh! That aluminum foil hat!, I thought you meant a different one.  I use this to prevent the aliens (make sure to stress aliens while bending over and talking directly into the tape recorder) from reading my mind.”  This should alleviate any further questions on the subject from the auditor.

At this point in time the auditor should bring out a Hubbard Electropsychometer and begin to assess your engrams.  After assessing your engrams the IRS will then inform you that you need to pay them $500,000 to continue therapy.  Wait, no, I was thinking of a different kind of auditing.

From here you’re practically home free.  Now this might sound a little odd but you need to trust me.  What you need to do from here is select 3 of your favorite Charlie Sheen quotes.  I recommend:

                “I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”

“I am battle tested bayonets”

After each question the auditor asks you, you need to randomly shout one of your selected quotes.  This will prove to the IRS auditor that you are in charge and that you will not be intimidated by them or their mind reading devices.  Realizing that they have lost they will release you and no longer select you for audits.

Good luck and happy audits!

Zombie Apocalypse

There are many theories on how the zombie apocalypse will come about, but I have figured out exactly what will cause it.  That’s right tech support.  You may be asking yourself now, “Brian how can that be?  I know that when tech support guides us through mindless steps like turning on and off our device several times in a row makes me feel like a zombie.  But I don’t actually think tech support is changing me into a zombie”.  This; however, is only half the story.  There is something else much, much more insidious that you are exposed to while calling tech support, the music.  The music combined with these mindless actions tech support guides us through are slowly changing our minds and converting us into crazed flesh eating zombies.

 

I figured this out yesterday while calling tech support over the activation of a TracFone.  However, I would first like to share a humorous segue (I can only assume the following was a test to determine if the initiation into zombie had been completed).  While going through the different menu options for my issue I selected: “Phone cannot make and receive calls”.  After I selected this option I was informed by a mechanical female voice over the sound of the music that: for tech support reasons, in order to help me with my problem I should hang up if the phone I was having issues with was the phone I was calling from, and that after hanging up I should contact tech support through a different phone.

Really???  You mean to tell me that I need to call TracFone from a different phone when I can’t make or receive calls from my TracFone?  My question is that if I selected the option that I was unable to use the phone to make calls, how would I be able to call tech support in the first place?  I believe that this was actually some kind of subconscious trigger used to zombify people who are exposed to enough tech support (This would be akin to the scene in Serenity when River sees the TV screen and goes crazy).

   

Anyway, back to my original point.  As I was sitting on the phone listening to the hold music which was laden with static and boring its way into my brain, as it repeated the same small section of some indistinguishable melody over and over.  I realized that an urge to kill began to fill me.  Indeed, I could feel the humanity slipping away from me.  This was the moment of my epiphany.

With the advent of our super advanced technology we have an increased need for tech support.  The more often and longer you call tech support the more zombie-like you become.  You may also think that “Well gee Brian, I rarely ever call tech support, usually so and so does that for me.  So why should I be concerned?”  Here in lies the true danger of tech support, there is such thing as second-hand exposure to tech support.  If you are within a five hundred foot radius as someone who is on the phone with tech support, your subconscious is able to pick up on the mindless tasks and music that the person currently on the phone is exposed to.  So sadly, you are changing your kids, relatives, spouses, friends, family and neighbors into zombies every time you contact tech support.

You may be wondering who would want the population of the US to become a mass of mindless zombies and what their motivation for doing this is.  To answer that question we must take a look at those who provide us with the country which provides us with tech support, India.  For the last 20 years it’s been a well known and accepted fact that the Obama administration is directly responsible for the decline of education in this country.  While I too used to believe this, I know now that a conspiracy of this scale is beyond the capabilities of our government.  This is actually a plot directed by the government of India so that they can become the world leader in education.  They knew that the US was their greatest competitor in the intelligence market, and when they were offered the chance to provide us with low-cost tech support, they jumped on the opportunity as a means to execute their evil brain rotting plan and they won’t stop until every last one of us are chewing on the brains of our neighbors.

(Picture, Public Service Announcement by Amber Hathaway) Click Picture to view full size

Computer Gnomes

Sometimes you just can't find a program you want. And finally after searching for hours, when you do find a program you’re looking for it sucks, and doesn’t do quite what you want it to do.  I have spent upwards of 40 hours in a single day doing just this.  Take today for instance, I was looking for a program to auto save Notepad.  You would think that something like auto saving notepad would be the easiest thing to find or implement in our world of super advanced technology.  But nope, you have to jump through hoops to do this.

One way is to download another program that’s like Notepad with auto save built into it...  Unfortunately all of these programs are ridiculously complex.  I mean, why do I need the option to launch tactical nuclear missiles through Notepad?  I just want to type simple notes, and to have those notes auto save in case Windows decides that it wants to reset (mostly because it likes to incite anger). 

As I am sure you’re all aware, there are gnomes that live inside your computer, who look through the camera.  When these gnomes see you stand up and walk out of the room they trigger the automatic update reset function to initiate the 15 minute countdown until reset.  It’s a game for those gnomes, "Mu ha ha ha ha, no one is using the computer and they have all their documents open, lets reset now!"  Sometimes you make it back before the computer restarts and are able to hit the “Delay for 4 hours” option.  The gnomes know that you have won this round, but in 4 hours, they will shower in your tears when you fail to catch the computer resetting next time. 

I’m sure that you all recall the days before every computer had a camera; Microsoft just had the 15 minute countdown occur every 30 seconds when it wanted to reset.  This is a typical Windows 98 conversation while working on an important project with a fixed deadline:

Suddenly a window pops up and says, "Windows has important updates to install!  Would you like to reset now?" 

"No" you would click.  

Thirty seconds later "How about now?"

"No, I said dammit!"  You would shout at the computer, quickly pressing the wait button.

Ten second later "Are you ready yet?" the computer would cheerfully ask.

"Noooo!" you would hastily click, becoming frustrated at the computer’s incessant questioning.

This would go on until Windows finally wore away at your last nerve and you finally caved in and reset the computer.  Either that or you walked away for a minute only to be distracted by something and realized too late, as you ran back to the computer, that it has just finished counting down to reset.  With a smug smile on windows face, it knew that it had won the battle.

Silly Joke of the Day

What do you get when you cross a gnome with a computer?  A short circuit.

 

Cannibalism and Ethics

This post is a vague follow up to my last.  I have often struggled with the question of ethics.  It is easier just to say that everyone has their own set of beliefs that they adhere to and follow.

This is not where I have a problem, it is only when you get into the nitty gritty of the matter that I really start having internal conflict.

I really, really want to believe that people have different customs and beliefs where they live and grow and inside of their own family.  I also believe that generally speaking that we would all be a lot better off if we all accepted these customs and ways of life without grimacing at them.  I am willing to concede that there are some customs that people around the world keep that are terrible and devastating to their own people and are completely inhumane.  Take a look at Nascar, country music and cannibalism.  Of course I’m just kidding about cannibalism. 

Speaking of cannibalism, I have yet to eat my fellow man. Unless you count that time I might have eaten a finger out of my KFC double down, I couldn’t tell though if it was a finger or my brain trying to give me a heart attack while trying to finish the sandwich (Note, I did not actually eat a double down sandwich).  Cannibalism is one of the great taboos of our culture.  If you had a Hannibal Lecter who was not a cannibal, then he might be a lesser villain, yet because he eats people- now that is a terror to truly behold.  He is an abomination in the back of our minds, a crazed maniac who would kill and eat you without batting an eye.  He looks at other people as cattle, a cut of meat.  The twist with Hannibal is that he only eats people that he deems worthy.  Basically, he holds people up to a strict standard of humanity and if they fail to perform to that benchmark then he dehumanizes them and eats them.  In a way, he enforces his ethics through cannibalism.

In many ways he kills and eats for the same reasons as cannibal tribes.  (I'm not an expert on this matter, and am making this judgment based off an interview I saw on the Colbert Report)  But I get the impression that cannibals eat not because they look at someone and say "Man, he would go well with some mustard and ketchup and a little relish"  but because the person has been accused of some misfortune that has befallen the tribe.  They use cannibalism as a form of social order or an ethical balance.

Anyway, back to the original topic.  Are there certain universal truths we should adhere to? My answer, yes.  We should love each other and ourselves and do no harm to others or ourselves.  Now the real trick of the matter, defining what harm is.  I will use an old proverb passed down from the Regan Administration, if you give the corporations money then they will “trickle down” onto you…  Wait, that’s not what I was looking for.  What I was meaning to say is: Take a recovering alcoholic.  If you persuade one to go out drinking then I believe that is a form of harm; however, drinking on its own isn’t bad.

Top 10 cannibal jokes

1. When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.
2. What do cannibals make out of politicians? Bologna sandwiches.
3. Why was the cannibal expelled from school? Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
4. How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf? He became a vegetarian.
5. Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people’s heads? Because they're headcases.
6. Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other “I don’t like your friend.” The other one said, “Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables.”
7. What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.
8. Two men in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the men started to laugh uncontrollably. The other man was incredulous, and said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're going to eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"  The laughing man said, "I just peed in their soup!"
9. What do cannibals call athletes? Fast Food!
10. A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
    Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
    The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?